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Rant

Can’t say exactly what I’m feeling right now. As has happened before, images cloud my mind. Images of people and places. The places stand out more than the people in many of them. Where we were, what we were doing there…images that invoke sadness and longing for a time gone – a time which wasn’t appreciated as much then as it is now.

How was it before then, when those incidents hadn’t occurred, when those memories weren’t in the making to bear down on my heart and soul as they are so heavily right now? I remember walking down that street, before this time or that…couldn’t I possibly have been aware of what I had then in not having had anything? It’s the ultimate cowardice from facing new experiences, but what’s the use if they only leave me feeling this way?

A night like this hasn’t come in a long time. Maybe it was in the making for some time and happened to crash into me now. A night of remembrance…actually, I just remembered how just such a night had me in its grasp a few months ago. I felt almost crippled by memories.

What’s this mind? It makes movies of moments past, movies that give the events a grandeur and importance they never had; a gravity and meaning that only comes with hindsight, and even then only as an artificial appendage.

What happened to ever the new? Sometimes like tonight, the mind likes to race back and relive the past continually, relentlessly. If each reliving could be expressed in tears and the expense of bones and muscle, I’d be a physically broken man.

I feel I have so much more to say but I don’t know what to write. I don’t know who I can trust, and I know I’ve brought myself to this corner – not just this time but every time. It’s who I am; it’s how my life will be lived, how it’ll pass.

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