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1/21/07

8:33 PM I feel like being active and productive, even if it’s in conversation, but there happens to be no one around for that.

8:37 PM Certain words I don’t like outside of their common connotation. One such word that just came to mind is rich. It bothers me to hear that word used to describe food or books or anything like that.

8:58 PM You find yourself in a certain mode and mood, depending on the time and circumstance you’re in. This is especially true for me because I know people in many places and social circles. It’s easy enough to become engrossed when you’re in it, but the next day you have to step out and return to normal.

That’s where I struggle because I’m not sure what my normal mode of being is. It’s like there’s no default mode and I go from one to the next, and the transitions aren’t awfully painful but they’re not pleasant either.

9:35 PM The ones who love to talk to you you find simply insufferable at times. You chase after the ones who elude, callously pushing away outstretched arms and tearful eyes that recede further as you walk away like so many times before.

What is it about this game of life that makes it so full of irony and contradictions and paradoxes? Why can’t it just be straightforward and simple? It is what I make of it, but that’s not the whole answer I believe. There is something more to it right now, something outside my control, that I can simply stand back and watch and try to understand and accept because I don’t even know what to change.

9:44 PM What if I couldn’t write? What would I do? It’s one of those pointless questions that’s hardly meaningless.

10:09 PM To my mind, the concept of Shiva is perhaps the most beautiful in the world of mythology. He is the destroyer. I think it’s a matter of great depth that destruction is given a place of prominence and respect in the cycle of the universe’s life. To show destruction as something not to be feared but revered is profound, because destruction precedes creation.

11:20 PM [Tried but sleep's not coming]

The man desires a strong supportive woman at his side. The woman wants a smart sensitive and caring man to protect and honor her.

“I wonder, Joan, if these expectations are in our genes or cultivated simply because we’re raised to have them.”

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