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Who am I?

I’m the guy who’d sometimes rather miss his exit off the freeway than hold up traffic by stopping and hoping someone will let me in.

I’m the guy who never plays unfair first; the guy who never cheats and lies until he’s cheated and lied to.

I’m that guy who sometimes complicates the simple things in life, not because I want to but because it’s my natural inclination to think and analyze and dissect, and when I get absolutely sick of doing that, I get tired and jaded and drunk and feel like I’m letting go for a while. And then I return.

I’m the guy who’ll jump off a bridge if my closest friend asked me to, the vegetarian who’ll eat meat, the celebate who’ll copulate, all in the name of friendship. But as life goes on, my faith in friendship is decreasing – not in a bitter way but a realization that in the end every man is by himself; there’s no one to lean on every moment of any day.

I know my presentation is weak; my hair is too long, my car beat up but functional. I’m the guy who knows presentation matters but right now doesn’t want to bother with the effort, fuzzily hoping that the true ones out there will see me in spite of it. I’m the guy grateful for those in my life who are with me even with my lack of presentation at times.

I’m the guy who has advice for others but hardly ever any for himself (but then who isn’t like that?), who thinks deep beneath the surface but rarely surfaces; the guy who sometimes feels like a storm rages at his epicenter but he conveys only silence.

I’m the guy who doesn’t check his voicemail, sometimes for days, for no good reason; the guy who always manages to rack up library fines because I simply refuse to bother. I’m the guy who won’t open important mail because I don’t want to lose the reflective frame-of-mind I find myself in (like now).

I’m the guy who doesn’t like goodbyes, who doesn’t want a going-away party or a long drawn-out farewell, with anyone. I prefer no farewell to a good farewell, because what’s a farewell after all? (An interval between now and the afterlife?)

I am the guy who starts to believe in something (friendships, hopes, dreams, promises, expectations), and when something breaks, willingly or unwillingly is led back to that nexus of the universe where it is written in bold brazen letters: nothing matters in the end.

I’m the guy who always doesn’t feel like going out but, when the time arises, gets swept away in the current of camaraderie.

I’m the guy who’d rather sit through a night of being out (when I’d much rather be home) than miss out the next day on all the inside jokes and privileged information shared by those who were there.

I’m the guy who has a hard time leaving.

I’m the guy who tries to meet people wherever I go but hardly ever ends up meeting anyone.

I’m the guy who tells innocuous lies, aware that at any moment someone may challenge my interpretation of that term.

I’m the guy who feels unreasonably uncomfortable asking people for favors, whether it be help for moving or giving a reference or referral.

I’m the guy who didn’t deliberately develop it (think Tom Cruise in Top Gun – that’s not me) but realizes he has a problem with certain authority and authority figures. I’m irreverent sometimes, although extremely rarely ever downright disrespectful.

I’m the guy to whom events seem to happen in groups and never alone. I’ll get an e-mail and instant message at the same time, and then when I’m not doing anything, nothing will happen for a long time.

I’m the guy who’s sometimes too smart for his own good.

I’m the guy who, after a while, stops sending the first message if a pattern develops where I’m always the one sending the first message. I like to see interest from the other and also effort.

I’m the guy who always plays CDs in random/shuffle mode.

I push the envelope of standard/common/acceptable blatantly but knowingly, with reason which to my mind is sound enough if not robust.

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